Alyson:

Susan turns around and flees in the other direction with Simon. They grin at escaping but Clare catches them. Clare: Susan! Would you mind taking 8F? Angie’s sick again.
Simon: They’re quite entertaining.
Susan: Bunch of retards. Good luck Susan.
Simon: Good luck Susan.

Susan opens a scary looking door, with frightening noises inside, while Simon walks of, grinning.

Bob: Simon! Simon!

Simon runs away, gets into his classroom full of kids and breathes a sigh of relief.

Simon: Morning scum!
Girl: Good weekend Simon?
Simon: Not bad at all thanks. Arnie, leave that till break. Party on Friday, film on Saturday, birthday yesterday.

General cries of happy birthday

Simon: Thank you very much. Anybody not here?
Kid: Me!
Jeremy: Sir have you managed to mark our English yet sir?
Simon: I just told you, it was my birthday

Kid: How old?
Simon: None of your business . Come on, somebody cheer me up.
Pauline: My mum said she’d give you one.
Simon: Well, that’s very generous, but I’ve never even laid eyes on her.
Other girl: You have, she whistled at you on Friday.
Simon: Your mother?
Pauline: And she’s single if you’re interested.
Simon: That was your mother?
Other girl: How come you’re not married Simon?
Simon: I’m way too young.
Everyone laughs and ‘yeah right’s. The bell rings.
Simon: What?

Everyone leaves except Jeremy, who takes his time putting everything into his pencil case.

Simon: Come on Jeremy.

He leaves too.

Cut to staff room.

Brian: Bob’s always got valium, if you’re desperate.
Kurt: And my year twelves can get you some smack, if you threaten them with suspension.
Susan: A cigarette’d do, thank you.
Kurt: But you’d have to inject it, because smoking’s banned
Simon: I fancy Pauline Young’s mother. That’s how old I am. I’ve started fancying the kid’s mothers.
Stephen: Don’t worry about it. Another ten years of teaching and you’ll go back to looking at the girls.
Simon: Why do I always fancy the most inappropriate people?
Brian: I thought you’d just met some girl you liked.
Simon: Nah, I’ve decided not to bother.
Kurt: She’s got two arms and two legs ain’t she?
Simon: Yeah, but I just don’t think I’m ready for a girlfriend. I wanna keep my options open for a bit.
Susan: What options? Oh yeah, I forgot. They’re queuing round the block.
Simon: I meet women. Women who fancy me. Sometimes.
Susan: ‘Course you do.
Liz: (shouting from the door) Simon, a friend here wants you. Says no one else will do.

A kid is peering around the staff room door

Kurt: It it’s another suicide attempt, tell him ‘he must try harder’.

Simon leaves

Susan holds up her pack of cigarettes.

Susan: Outside, now.

Brian and Kurt get up

Brian: I don’t even smoke.

He sits down again.